I just checked my bank account balance online........ not one of my better ideas, not today anyway. This sparked off an uncontrolled sobbing session with a 'Job like' (Job from the bible) hands in the air 'What is it you want from me' gesture - I can be very dramatic even when no one's watching - and yes, I'm afraid also some quite vocal swearing and telling an invisible being to F*** Off because I've had it! I've sooooooooo had it!!!!!
Another voice inside me is saying: 'Well at least this shifts your focus from Mr. A (a bloke from about a year ago which I didn't seem to quite get over)" I start laughing out loud now through the tears - 'Mr. A who'? I ask, 'Exactly!' I answer myself, laughing hysterically for a moment I'm amused and somewhat proud at my ability to keep even my most dramatic moments light hearted. Then it's back to crying as I realize I don't actually bloody know what to do about this money (lack of) situation.
I'm going to sell all my costumes, close all my websites, never perform again EVER. I'm going to get a job (and that's not Job from the bible)!! F*** them all, and see if I care!!! More sobbing, "What do you want from me" ? (more drama)... I do what I do, I do all I can within doing what I do, save doing it for free... and I even do that.
I put on shows which I sometimes have to cancel for lack of ticket sales, and sometimes go ahead and do them at a near loss {'OK, and sometimes at a nice gain, but I'm having a rant here, so don't interrupt!'} . I write to agents, I offer my act to cabaret shows who if they reply say 'yeah, come do it for free, it will be like an audition, and after that we may give you paid work'. I fell for that one once. Once was enough. I get involved with other people's projects (it's great to work creatively with others) I network, I send out my intention, I respond to things that come my way, I put out positive vibes, thoughts etc. (don't judge me by today's rant, if you know me, you'll know very well that this really isn't like me at all but I'm at a breaking point here!)
I don't know what to do? Voice of (fake) reason says: 'Get a part time job'... What? now?! I can't! I'm off to Edinburgh in 2 weeks time....sigh... a ray of positivity is entering this cloud of despair...I catch it quickly before it disappears. Yeah, I'm going to do 8 shows at Edinburgh Fringe Festival {'yep! that's me!' :) } and yes, there's this private gig this weekend which means some money coming in and who knows maybe more gigs will come from that, and next weekend my end of year students' show - though only 10 tickets sold so far more tickets will sell I'm sure and it will bring more money in (No, please don't think about the theatre cost right now, we're trying to be positive here!!).
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes - just say yes! It's all going to be OK. I know it!
And now I'm wondering 'do I share this with you? Or do I try to project an image of glamor and success?' Of course I share this with you! Why not? This is me today. When I'm feeling glamorous and successful (which is sometimes the case) I'll tell you about that too. I promise.
Welcome to my world, it's not always full of glamor, sequins and laughter though there IS a lot of all that in it too I'm delighted to say.
Welcome to my world, it's full of wonder and bewilderment, full of adventure and sometimes ordinary 'everydayness', it's full of hopes, fears, Love, pain, loss, gain, joy, heart and ART. I wouldn't change it for all the money in the world.
But I would just like to add more money to it. :) xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment