One more sleep before Edinburgh Fringe Festival

I've been packing all morning. My costume wardrobe is almost empty as is my make up drawer. Tomorrow I'll be setting off to Edinburgh early in the morning in a car full of sequined dresses, make up, glitter spray, false eyelashes and flyers (oh yes, and a change of underwear). My black Ford Fusion has been transformed into the  'Bellyliciousmobile' complete with 'Bellylicious the Sequel' posters on the back windows, a knitted, red haired belly dancer swinging from the rear view mirror and a sign (with a picture of Miss Piggy who is one of my great sources of inspiration) which reads 'Diva on board'  dangling at the back  so there can be no mistake, this is a 'Diva on tour' .

Diva indeed...  I don't feel so much like a Diva right now.
Right now I feel more like a little girl who's dreading the first day of school, the very first day, you know, the day which defines you as a 'big girl' (or boy) because you are now leaving nursery behind and going to 'big school', that kind of first day.
I really really really want to go, I want to be a 'big girl' and play with the 'big kids',  I can't wait for it to it to be tomorrow, I know I won't be able to sleep.  But alongside these feelings of anticipation and excitement are feelings of dread. Every now and then an overwhelming wave washes over me and I feel so scared. What if I don't do well, what if I don't fit in, what if the other kids don't like me, what if, what if, what if.... I know 'what if' never happens but knowing this doesn't make the fear go away.

'I must rehearse just one more time', I think to myself, but I don't rehearse. Instead I put on some music which has nothing to do with the show or the Fringe and dance for a while. Dance not for any purpose other than to dance. Right now it feels like the only thing I can do. Then I make some coffee, browse the internet,  make another coffee. That's it! Any chance I may have had for an early night is now washed down with my sixth cup. Then I make some food and sit to watch a DVD - 'Muppets Treasure Island' - I wasn't kidding about the Miss Piggy thing :).
'Oh Galit, Galit, what ARE you doing?!?'
Who is this woman who so calmly ignores the fact that this is a very major point in my life? That my whole future could be determined by how things turn out in the next 12 days?!
That would be  'Miss Bellylicious', Belly Dance Diva Extraordinaire.
She is not nervous at all.
She knows exactly what she's doing.
She's fabulous, beautiful, loud, charming, funny, extravagant, a bit over the top and very very very sexy, almost to the point of it being too much.
She has no inhibitions, she has no doubts and she takes no prisoners.
If she goes wrong...What do you mean 'goes wrong'?!  Impossible!  Because even her 'wrongs' are right.
She says to me: 'Let's enjoy this DVD darling, everything's going to be alright, you just leave everything to me - apart from the driving tomorrow that is...- '
I think to myself-  'yeah, I think I'll do just that, I'll leave it to her. After all she got us this far, whatever is about to happen has been meticulously choreographed by her. Come what may, she is well prepared which means we are good to go.
I know it's going to be fun. It's going to be amazing. It's going to be an experience of a life time. But most importantly it is going to 'BE'.
I've been dreaming about this since the first Bellylicious came out in 2007 and tomorrow it is happening! "Shiver me timbers" (to quote the muppet pirates), It is actually happening!

One more sleep before Edinburgh Fringe Festival - I'll see you on the other side.


P.S.
I will be flyering in costume (different one each day is the plan) on the Royal Mile every day between 12pm-3pm from the 3rd (not on the 5th as I'll be in Glasgow). If you're in Edinburgh do come and find me to say 'hi'. That would be really lovely.

It's not always Glam, Sequins & laughter

I just checked my bank account balance online........ not one of my better ideas, not today anyway. This sparked off an uncontrolled sobbing session with a 'Job like' (Job from the bible) hands in the air 'What is it you want from me'  gesture - I can be very dramatic even when no one's watching - and yes, I'm afraid also some quite vocal swearing and telling an invisible being to F*** Off because I've had it! I've sooooooooo had it!!!!!
Another voice inside me is saying: 'Well at least this shifts your focus from Mr. A (a bloke from about a year ago which I didn't seem to quite get over)"  I start laughing out loud now through the tears - 'Mr. A who'? I ask, 'Exactly!' I answer myself, laughing hysterically for a moment I'm amused and somewhat proud at my ability to keep even my most dramatic moments light hearted.  Then it's  back to crying as I realize I don't actually bloody know what to do about this money (lack of) situation.

I'm going to sell all my costumes, close all my websites, never perform again EVER. I'm going to get a job (and that's not Job from the bible)!!  F*** them all, and see if I care!!! More sobbing, "What do you want from me" ? (more drama)... I do what I do, I do all I can within doing what I do, save doing it for free... and I even do that.
I put on shows which I sometimes have to cancel for lack of ticket sales, and sometimes go ahead and do them at a near loss {'OK, and sometimes at a nice gain, but I'm having a rant here, so don't interrupt!'} . I write to agents, I offer my act to cabaret shows who if they reply say 'yeah, come do it for free, it will be like an audition, and after that we may give you paid work'.  I fell for that one once. Once was enough. I get involved with other people's projects (it's great to work creatively with others) I network, I send out my intention, I respond to things that come my way, I put out positive vibes, thoughts etc. (don't judge me by today's rant, if you know me, you'll know very well that this really isn't like me at all but I'm at a breaking point here!)

I don't know what to do? Voice of (fake) reason says: 'Get a part time job'... What? now?! I can't!  I'm off to Edinburgh in 2 weeks time....sigh... a ray of positivity is entering this cloud of despair...I catch it quickly before it disappears. Yeah, I'm going to do 8 shows at Edinburgh Fringe Festival {'yep! that's me!' :) } and yes, there's this private gig this weekend which means some money coming in and who knows maybe more gigs will come from that, and next weekend my end of year students' show - though only 10 tickets sold so far more tickets will sell I'm sure and it will bring more money in (No, please don't think about the theatre cost right now, we're trying to be positive here!!).
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes - just say yes! It's all going to be OK. I know it!

And now I'm wondering 'do I share this with you? Or do I try to project an image of glamor and success?' Of course I share this with you! Why not? This is me today. When I'm feeling glamorous and successful (which is sometimes the case) I'll tell you about that too. I promise.

Welcome to my world, it's not always full of glamor, sequins and laughter though there IS a lot of all that in it too I'm delighted to say.
Welcome to my world, it's full of wonder and bewilderment, full of adventure and sometimes ordinary 'everydayness', it's full of hopes, fears, Love, pain, loss, gain, joy, heart and ART. I wouldn't change it for all the money in the world.
But I would just like to add more money to it. :) xxx

18 days to Edinburgh Fringe

I had a free weekend this weekend. Felt like I should be doing something to prepare for Edinburgh, but everything is done. Now I'm just waiting to go. Ready to go. Not feeling afraid but there's a feeling of anticipation, like I'm about to embark on some fantastic adventure - in a way I've already embarked on it really - it feels like I'm in a movie, almost like this is not about to happen to me... but it is.
I'm going to meet new people and things are going to happen to me that haven't happened to me before.
I LOVE THIS FEELING!!!
(Note to self: I need to produce more of these things/adventures. It's a good feeling. )
It's like going on a 'ride' (in a fair) that has a mind of it's own and you don't know where you're going to end up when you come off that ride. It might not even be same fair at all.
A part of me wants to know what's going to happen but another doesn't.Like a movie, I don't want to be told the ending.

Do I have expectations? Mmmm... yes... but I'm pleased to say that my expectations are quite 'loose' because I realize that I don't really know all the possible outcomes.

And even if no outcome 'appears' to happen and it turns out to be just another thing that I did - well then I 'just did it' and that in itself is an outcome. i think like most things in life, the actual journey IS the goal. And when a 'Goal' is achieved,  it becomes a stepping stone to the next journey.